User blog:Edwin Shade 2/Thoughts On These Past Two Years
Tonight I've begun to reflect on my impact in googology, and feel now more than ever, something needs to be done to move forwards towards the bright future to come. My mind has been traveling back, way back, to my very first days on the wikia. In a way, I look to the fact that my first ever edit on the wiki was technically a troll number as a reassurance. As if to say, "yeah Edwin, you never made it big like Sabian... or Bowers... or Hyp Cos, or Username5243, or Cookie Fonster... or everyone else come to think of it. But one thing you did do, was stay true to yourself, and have fun." I can truthfully say that these past two years have been enjoyable for myself. I will admit, were I to go back, there would be a few things I would have done differently. For one, focusing on actually making numbers instead of editing the wiki would be one of those things. Even now, I am struck by the cosmically laughable thought that despite over two years of being on the wiki, I technically only have one number on the main space! And that number, ironically enough, was also a joke number that was meant to be the googological equivalent of John Cage's 4:33 - it had a silent name which wasn't meant to be pronounced. The name of that number, just like the notoriety received from it, was nothing. Well, maybe I should rephrase that. I don't want all the notoriety. Popularity shifts and changes according to public opinion, so I definitely don't want something that depends on other people's opinions. But I would like some sort of Legacy that will last the same way people still talk about Bower's numbers even though he created them many years ago. I want something that I can look back on and be proud of. Really, when you think about it, that's what every googologist wants. Bowers didn't create those numbers for us. The numbers were for him. The point never was to have them wind up on a wiki that would last a decade after he coined them, even though that's a neat corollary as well. Rather, he did what he did because it meant a lot to him. And I truly believe I started out the same exact way. "Herbert's Number" aside, the bulk of my contributions and blog posts while editing as Edwin Shade on the wiki do show a consistent desire for knowledge and growth as a googologist. But... somewhere... along the line, I grew dissatisfied with what I was learning, and I don't know why. The incident that led to my eventually permanent ban showed that I was a pretty unhappy person at the time. But why? At the time, I was doing more than I ever had done before on the wikia. Blog posts were frequent, edits were manifold, and I struck up a camaraderie with many other users on the site. And yes, that includes Psi! I remember writing a blog post which, looking back was kind of pointless, about BMS in the form of words. You can read a version of it here. In the comment section, Psi actually not only compliments the post, but also defends against a potential naysayer, LittlePeng9! These were the sort of people I was surrounded by, and I was really doing quite well. So again - why the unhappiness? I'd like to pretend there's a deeper reason and conclude this post with a sudden "revelation" about how I realized where I was wrong all along, but, that wouldn't be right. And it also wouldn't be possible, because I still don't know what it was exactly that drove me to the course I've rode for so long. Now let's get one thing straight: this is not defeat! Oooh no. I made it perfectly clear in the first paragraph of this blog post that "something needs to be done to move forwards towards the bright future to come", so I am not going to throw my hands up at googology just because these past few years have been less than productive for myself. This is instead, a public resolution that I'll be applying myself more so to learning and creating numbers rather than wallowing in whatever you call the past two years or so. I must establish a Legacy. Not for anyone reading this. But for myself. And it must start now. Category:Blog posts